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  For anyone who’s ever been stripped of choice, who’s needed to borrow strength to survive. This book is for you.

  And for Carl, my ceaseless champion. Thank you for always believing.

  CONTENT WARNING

  My Dear Reader,

  This book contains material that some may find potentially triggering or traumatizing, including:

  sexual assault and abuse

  suicide ideation, self-harm, and attempted suicide

  bullying and victim-shaming

  If you need to take breaks while reading this book, please do. Also, please consult the resources list should you feel the need.

  All my best,

  Cassie

  PART ONE SUNDAY

  ERICA

  I DON’T SEE THEM AT first—the names—because my eyes are closed, and my eyes don’t seem to want to open.

  A groan escapes me as I lie here, overheating in my own sweat. Then the nausea hits. Not a wave, like some people would describe. This is a semitruck of vomit hurtling downhill, brake lines cut. I try to peel my eyelids apart, but my lashes feel glued together.

  Unease scratches at me. Something about…

  The party.

  What happened last night? With me, with Thomas? I don’t even remember making it back to Caylee’s house. Actually, I don’t remember much past… what, the fireworks? Yeah, there were definitely fireworks in Zac’s backyard. Thomas and me. A bonfire. Did we… kiss again?

  Pressing my palms to my eyes, I try to force answers, but the effort drives splinters through my brain. I flip the pillow over and ease my cheek against its cool side. God, why did I drink so much? I can only hope Caylee didn’t have to take care of me. Or worse—Thomas.

  What did I do?

  I sigh. Caylee. She’ll have aspirin and answers.

  When I drag my eyes open, I expect to see the purple walls of Caylee’s room. But the gray walls that surround me are a slap in the face.

  Terror dawns: This is not Caylee’s room.

  My eyes rake the space, but no matter where I look, the images don’t make sense.

  On the far wall, a Lakers basketball player occupies a poster, the top left corner peeling. A flat-screen TV sits on a dresser that spews clothes. Red plastic cups, a deck of playing cards, litter the floor.

  My stomach plummets ten stories when I spot what’s draped over the desk chair—a guy’s blue-and-white varsity jacket, the kind all the jocks wear at Bay City Prep. Like the one Thomas has but never wears that I borrowed once.

  The smell of the room hits me. A masculine scent, but somehow wrong, like heavy cologne mixed with something sour. I sit up quickly—too quickly—and tug the sheets closer. My vision blurs as dizzying heat rips through me.

  There are bruises on my arm. No, not bruises. I look again, seeing the dark marks running up the inside of both arms for what they are.

  Words.

  Dozens of them, scrawled out in angry black marker.

  The first word to register is here. As I stare, trying to find meaning in it, I realize it’s part of a sentence. Twisting my arm, I read the phrase stretching from upper elbow to mid-forearm: Ricky was here.

  Ricky? From Spanish class? Thomas’s lacrosse team? Why would he…?

  Something closes in my throat.

  Thrashing at the sheets, I scramble to my feet, then sway and have to steady myself against the bed. The need to vomit overwhelms me, but it’s shoved down by the horror of what I’m seeing. Covering my arms, from palms to shoulders, are words and graphic pictures scribbled in black marker.

  My skirt is gone. Marker spirals down both legs. The words Erica Walker is a sluuut and whore stare up at me—black tattoos inked onto my skin. Next to a sketch of an exploding penis, another name stretches across my right foot: Forest Stevens.

  Forest? But he’s so nice, so funny. Thomas’s best friend.

  Why would they do this? Why would anyone do this?

  I lift my sweat-soaked shirt. Writing extends across my stomach and all over both thighs. Then I see my underwear. The lace looks faded.

  No, they’re inside out.

  Who took them off? Thomas? Me? Someone else?

  Oh my god, Oh My God, OH MY GOD.

  Was I…? Did they…? They wouldn’t have…

  Rape.

  …done that to me, right?

  No. Ricky and Forest wouldn’t. I know them.

  And it doesn’t feel like I’ve been… violated like that. Because I would know. I could tell.

  Right?

  Leave. Now.

  Frantic, I kick through cups and clothes until I find my jean skirt in a crumpled pile. I grab then drop it. It’s damp. Using my fingernails, I bring the skirt a few inches closer to my face and sniff. The stench of stale beer assaults my nose. Not pee… or worse.

  Questions hurtle through my mind. Where the hell is Caylee? Where was she last night? She was supposed to have my back….

  And Thomas.

  Where was he while Ricky and Forest—his friends, his teammates—wrote on me? Did they take off my clothes?

  Oh my god. I have to get out of here.

  Having no choice, I pull on the wet skirt, cringing as the damp fabric clings to my thighs. I tuck in my shirt and notice my bra is missing—the pink push-up I bought, just in case Thomas and I… Where is it? I scan the room, but it’s nowhere.

  And my boots. Where are my boots? I can’t leave without them. They’re my favorite.

  Then, from across the room, I see it—an image sliced from a nightmare. My reflection in a mirror.

  I once saw a photography art exhibit here in Los Angeles on the life of drug abusers, full of haunted-looking meth addicts. Only this time, the disturbing face is mine. Erica Walker: Exposed. Writing dominates every length of my bare arms and full thighs—black insults floating on a sea of pale, milky skin. My boobs hang heavy under a lacy shirt, pink nipples nearly visible without a bra. Matted black curls frizz around my head. My eyes look like a raccoon’s, smeared with mascara and eyeliner, the whites bloodshot and dull.

  To think I’d felt so sexy last night.

  I spot it then, stuck inside the frame of the mirror. The photograph shows two faces I’d recognize anywhere since Caylee has the same picture taped inside her locker. Caylee and Zac—her, blonde and tiny and beautiful; him, a pasty-white Hulk. I find the letterman, flipping it over to reveal the name embroidered on the back: BOYD.

  Zac Boyd. I’m in Zac’s room.

  This can’t be happening. This is bad. Worse. Zac and I didn’t… We couldn’t have. I would never do that. He’s Caylee’s boyfriend. And I’m with Thomas.

  At least, I think I am?

  I need to talk to Caylee. I need to figure out what the hell happened last night.

  My gaze snags on a Sharpie, half-hidden by bedsheets.

  They drew on me, hands so close.

  My knees buckle. I fall hard against the bed and close my eyes to block out the words, the names, branded across my body, but too late. They’re etched on my brain: Ricky.Forest.Erica.Slut.Whore.

  This isn’t happening.

  Panic blooms in my chest.

  From downstairs, the sound of male laughter rips through me. My head snaps to the door.

  I can’t find my boots.
My favorite boots.

  But I have to leave. Now.

  I rush for the door, bare feet avoiding scattered clothes and textbooks. A playing card sticks to my foot—a six of spades. I shake it free.

  At the top of the stairs, I pause to listen, taking in the first floor below me. Zac Boyd’s living room looks like a massacre. Upended red cups sit in pools of sticky liquid. Jackets, single shoes, and blankets are heaped in mounds. Shoved against the far wall, the glass coffee table rests on its side, a large crack down the middle.

  Male voices filter in from the kitchen.

  “Ah man. My shit hurts so bad right now, I can’t even tell you.”

  Oh my god. Zac.

  “Was it the keg stand or getting dropped on top of it?”

  Ricky? His name on my arm.

  Laughter erupts, maybe four voices in all, including Forest’s distinct guffaw.

  Forest’s name on my foot. I shift my gaze to the stairs.

  “Well, at least I wasn’t as drunk as Erica,” Zac says.

  “You mean ‘Mouth’?” Ricky. More laughter.

  Did they just call me “Mouth”?

  “Her tits were hot, man.”

  My face scorches. They saw me topless. They all saw me topless.

  “Like fucking melons, man.” Zac. “How’d she manage to keep those things under wraps all this time?”

  “Well, they came out to play last night, that’s for sure.” Stallion. Chris “Stallion.” But he’s in love with Jasmine, treats her like a queen. They’ve been together forever.

  Below, the guys explode in more laughter: Zac, Ricky, Forest, Stallion.

  Shame pierces me. What the hell happened?

  Downstairs, a toilet flushes and a door opens, then footsteps lead toward the kitchen.

  “Tommy VanB! He lives!” Ricky shouts. “We thought you’d died in there, man.”

  “Naw, man,” Thomas replies.

  My heart stops. Thomas is still here? Downstairs with them?

  Thomas VanBrackel: the guy I’ve had a crush on since my first week here, who tripped over his backpack the first time he saw me. Who sits behind me in Spanish class, took me stargazing at the beach. Who played me a song he wrote just for me, bought me the Edward Gorey poster I have in my locker. The guy I watched make the winning save in yesterday’s lacrosse match, who kissed me for the first time in the parking lot where anyone could see before asking me to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend. Thomas—the very last memory I have of last night.

  At the party, we’d stood next to each other by the bonfire, watching as Zac and Stallion and Tina lit off firework after firework. Tina was trying like always to be one of the guys. They’d wanted Thomas to join in, but Thomas had turned them down, choosing to stay with me instead. He’d looked so gorgeous, blue eyes reflecting the firelight, smile bright and playful. Standing that close to him, I could smell his deodorant mixed with fire smoke, feel his body heat radiating through his T-shirt—the silly one with the narwhal he’d worn just to make me smile. Then, laughing, he’d given me a piggyback ride inside Zac’s house and we’d… gone upstairs, I think…

  And after that? Blank canvas. A void.

  I’d been all jumbled nerves and frantic energy last night, calming myself with every sip from the water bottle in my purse, the one I’d filled with vodka at Caylee’s a few days back. I’d wanted Thomas to kiss me in front of his friends again so everyone would know we were official.

  And now? What happened between hanging out with Thomas, and his friends seeing me naked? Why would they write their names on me? What if Thomas’s name…?

  But Thomas wouldn’t. He would never do that.

  Not Thomas.

  So where was he when everything happened? And he’s in there now, in the kitchen with them.

  “We were just discussing your girlfriend, VanBrackel,” Zac says. “Wonder when she’ll wake up.”

  “Maybe we should go check on her,” Ricky replies.

  I clap a hand over my mouth to choke off the sob welling up. I can’t let them find me here. But there’s nowhere to go!

  Clutching the rail for support, I ease down the staircase, but my foot collides with a red cup, knocking it over. I freeze mid-step, watching in terror as the cup bumps down the stairs, splashing pale liquid onto the wall and carpet. The cup comes to rest on the wooden landing below with a tiny thump.

  Oh god.

  I jump at the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen.

  “Dude, Thomas. What the hell?”

  “Someone’s got butterfingers.”

  Their laughs trail me as I hurry down the stairs and to the front door, avoiding the kitchen at all costs. Trembling, I twist the knob and slip outside.

  God, not Thomas. Not. Thomas.

  Bright sunlight sears my vision. I rush from the house as something inside me cracks and the tears begin to fall.

  ERICA

  KEEPING MY HEAD DOWN, I hurry across Zac’s front lawn, the damp grass sticking to the soles of my feet. I shiver in the cold March air, then swipe at my eyes and scan the street for my car, ignoring the scattered vehicles still parked in the driveway, especially Thomas’s blue Tacoma.

  Don’t cry.

  There.

  Down the street, my beat-up Corolla sits under a massive eucalyptus, looking obscene on this pristine street. As the only car Mom could afford on her nurse’s salary, it’s normally a huge source of embarrassment. But now, the sight of it brings tears of relief. Today it looks like a sanctuary.

  A strong breeze whips my hair, drying my eyes as I rush across the street.

  I’m almost to my car when a blast of alarm hits. I don’t have my purse; no keys, no phone. Glancing back at the five cars filling Zac’s driveway—Thomas’s truck—I know I can’t go back in. They’d see me. I was lucky to have escaped unnoticed the first time. And if I don’t sit down soon, I’ll pass out right on this pavement.

  Please no one come out of Zac’s. Please, God.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I’m about to break down in the middle of the road when the thought dings: Spare key, back fender.

  I could kiss Mom right now for her overly cautious hide-a-key. Bending down near the back tire, I feel inside the wheel hub. I will myself not to look at the marks on my arms, fixing my stare instead on a pitted dent in the rear door.

  My fingers close around the tiny rectangle of metal. Popping the magnetic tin free, I plop down on the pavement. Rough asphalt scratches the backs of my legs, and old beer stench wafts from my skirt. With my legs outstretched, I can’t ignore the obscene drawings and words staring up.

  Ricky.Forest.Erica.Slut.Whore.

  Why would they do this?

  Was I…? Was I conscious when they…?

  And Thomas?

  But Thomas wouldn’t. I know him. He couldn’t have been there when Forest and Ricky wrote their names on me, while Zac watched. Maybe Stallion, too.

  Thomas wouldn’t have let that happen.

  But a tiny voice whispers again: He’s in there now, isn’t he? In the kitchen with them. Maybe he knows what happened last night too. Probably all of Bay City knows by now, and I’m the only one who doesn’t.

  Eyes closed, I try to swallow down wave after wave of panic rolling up my throat. But it’s too much. I scramble to my knees, loose rocks digging into my kneecaps. Warm bile splashes onto my arms and skirt as I heave and heave on the pavement, but I can’t even care.

  Finally I’m empty. I take a shuddering breath and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

  Please no one come out and find me.

  The sound of crunching gravel shatters my focus, dragging my eyes to the noise.

  Thomas’s truck?

  But no. Two doors down from Zac’s, a shiny silver Lexus pulls out of a driveway. I hug my arms to my chest, intently aware of my missing bra and tear-streaked cheeks. The sleek car slows, inching past me. The driver’s nearly invisible behind dark tinted windows, but I can feel his hostile glare as he takes me in: a half-
clothed girl, graffitied and hungover with a rat’s nest of smashed curls and smeared makeup, huddled on the pavement next to a pile of vomit and a clunker of a car.

  What have I done?

  This moment confirms my worst fears. I’ve never belonged in Bay City, not since transferring here at the beginning of the semester. Not ever. And now I never will.

  The Lexus continues its snail crawl past million-dollar homes and manicured lawns. Even after he turns the corner and speeds away, the driver’s stare lingers, sharp and shaming.

  Please no one leave Zac’s right now. Please.

  Inside my car, I search for something to wipe off the vomit spray and find a crumpled paper towel with a smear of jelly from my toast several mornings back. I’m dying of thirst, but all I have is an open can of Diet Coke in the cup holder. The flat soda does little to soothe the burning in my throat or mask the bitter bile taste.

  Drive-thru? I squash the idea. Not with these marks.

  Home. Now.

  My gaze catches on the passenger seat, where my sketchbook lies open. On the upturned page is the last illustration I did of Erica Strange, the caped and masked alter-ego superhero I created. It’s obvious I based her on myself, though she’s clearly a swifter, braver, more badass version. Even Thomas started calling me “Erica Strange” after catching me doodle her in Spanish class. Plus, I gave her my lucky black boots—boots that Dad bought me before he moved that are now missing.

  In my sketch, below the giant words What Would Erica Strange Do?, Erica Strange balances on top of a skyscraper, one fist holding the spire, the other at her hip, while her bat sidekick, Sparky, hovers by one shoulder. She stares with determination into the distance as her cape and hair whip around in the wind. One single arched eyebrow is visible above her violet eye mask, portraying unwavering confidence. This confidence is where we differ, she and I.

  Last night before the party, I’d sat here and studied this sketch, sipping from my water bottle of vodka and chasing it with Diet Coke while waiting for Caylee to get here. I’d tried to pull strength from Erica Strange, to gather the confidence to go inside and be the girl Thomas thought I was—the Erica Strange I drew on these pages. At least, the version of me who isn’t afraid to speak her mind or worried what other people think. She’s never overwhelmed with anxiety or struck down by panic attacks. And last night, I’d gotten it in my head that I could be her. Was her. Felt the cape flutter invisibly around me as I’d stepped out of my car. Felt the cool air rustle through the not-quite-there eye mask as I strode across the street to meet Caylee, texting Thomas that I’d arrived.